Bro, so there I was, right? Just vibing, scrolling through TikTok, when I see this clip of a capybara just chilling in a hot tub, looking all zen. And it hit me, like why can't I be that chill, just floating around without a care in the world? But no, I'm stuck in this Ohio summer, where the humidity feels like a wet blanket slapped onto your face. And speaking of faces, why does everyone here look like they just stepped out of a meme?
So, I decided to channel my inner capybara and head to the park. It's not just any park, it's like the most "Ohio" park ever. There's this statue of some random dude from the 1800s that no one knows, and a playground that looks like it hasn't been updated since my parents were kids. But, I digress. I'm walking, AirPods in, blasting some random lo-fi beats, trying to find my zen.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, this group of kids on scooters comes zooming past me like they’re in some sort of X-Games for tweens. And one of them yells, "Yo, watch out, Sigma Chad coming through!" I couldn’t help but laugh. Like, who even says that? But honestly, respect. These kids have more confidence than I ever did at that age.
Anyway, I find a spot under a tree and plop down, trying to meditate or whatever. But it's hard to find inner peace when the kid next to you is trying to break the world record for the longest Fortnite dance. And then, just when I think it can't get more ridiculous, someone starts blasting "Ohio Is For Lovers" from a Bluetooth speaker. It's peak Ohio energy, and I'm here for it.
I pull out my phone and start scrolling again. The algorithm really knows me because now I'm on Ohio TikTok. There's this dude who's convinced the Ohio River is secretly a portal to another dimension. He's got charts and everything. I’m halfway through his conspiracy theory when I get a notification. It’s from my friend Jake. He’s like, “Dude, you gotta come to this party tonight. It's gonna be ultra.”
Now, Jake is known for hyping things up. Last week he said the new burger joint downtown was “life-changing,” but it was just another mediocre fast-food place. But I have nothing better to do, so I text back, “Bet.”
Fast forward a few hours, I’m getting ready. I put on my best “Ohio chic” outfit – basically just a hoodie and jeans – and head out. The party’s at some dude’s house who apparently has a pool shaped like Ohio. When I get there, it’s exactly what I expected. Red solo cups everywhere, someone’s already fallen into the pool, and there's a group of people trying to start a bonfire with way too much lighter fluid.
I find Jake, who’s already a few drinks in, and he’s like, “Bro, this is epic!” I nod, trying to catch the vibe. We end up in a deep conversation about how Ohio is the most memeable state. Like, why does Ohio get all the weird stuff? Giant corn statues, mysterious crop circles, and don’t even get me started on the Mothman sightings.
We’re mid-conversation when this girl walks up. She’s got that Gen Alpha energy, rocking neon clothes and those tiny sunglasses that are purely for aesthetic. She’s like, “You guys talking about Ohio? I got a theory.” And just like that, we’re sucked into a rabbit hole about how Ohio is actually a simulation within the simulation. She’s got this whole PowerPoint presentation ready on her phone, complete with pixelated graphics and glitchy sounds.
As the night goes on, things get even wilder. Someone pulls out a VR headset and now we’re all taking turns playing this game where you’re a cat trying to navigate a city without getting caught by animal control. It’s bizarrely fun and somehow very fitting for this ultra Ohio sigma brainrot of a night.
Eventually, I step outside to get some air. The sky is clear, and for a moment, everything is calm. I can hear the crickets, the distant hum of traffic, and the occasional burst of laughter from the party. I take a deep breath and think about the capybara again. Maybe I can’t be as chill as a capybara in a hot tub, but nights like this, with all their chaos and randomness, are pretty close.
Just when I think the night is winding down, someone yells, “Yo, we’re playing hide and seek in the dark!” And of course, I’m in. Running around, hiding behind bushes, trying not to laugh when someone walks right past me – it’s like being a kid again, but with the added thrill of possibly stepping on a random garden gnome.
By the time I get home, the sun is starting to rise. I collapse onto my bed, exhausted but weirdly satisfied. It’s nights like these that remind me why I love this place. Ohio might be the butt of every joke, but it’s my kind of weird. And as I drift off to sleep, I can’t help but think about that capybara, floating peacefully, totally unbothered. Maybe tomorrow I’ll find my own version of that hot tub zen, but for now, I’m content with the beautiful chaos that is an ultra Ohio sigma brainrot kind of night.